it's over.

it's true. i cannot stand it here anymore.

After Justin's shows, there's no more reason for me to stay. and he's practically the only reason i'm still here now. i've waited so long to get shows with him, i'm gonna grit through this and enjoy myself with him.

work piles up. they say, you come to work on time, and you can leave on time, we're ok with that. but, with the work piled like this, how the FARK you want me to go on time? it's farking ridiculous and i think you're doing this on farking purpose! and when i leave on time, you chide me for not finishing my stuffs the day before.

hello! one work day has only 8 hours! with the amount of work, even 16 hours ain't enough la! knn. simi lan jiao.

i really don't like it here anymore. no matter how many motivational talks you guys give to me, it's no farking use. i have my own brain and i will not allow myself to be tortured by others. i follow what i want and i do what i farking want. i will not change my lateness for you and i will not sacrifice my farking time for you.

N-O F-A-R-K-I-N-G W-A-Y !-!-!

birthday or no birthday

Today is my birthday. :)

Actually, after living for 24 years, i don't really feel that there's any particular urge or need to celebrate my birthday anymore. it no longer has a meaning. no excitement at all man. and the thing is, i'm the kind of person who don't really like mushy stuffs.

this morning when i came into office, my colleagues started to wish me happy birthday. i was like -.-". and while sitting here, i'm constantly praying that no one wishes me happy birthday again in this office. it's just weird. and the first email i sent out, was to tell my manager not to get me any cake because i absolutely don't like cakes for my birthday. firstly, i don't like cakes, i don't like to eat them and i especially don't like the birthday song part. haha. except if it's from close people. lol. but it was too late, they bought the cake already. sigh. now i have to act like i love the cake. shucks.

i totally have no material wants for this year's birthday, except of cos maybe a shopping spree at the new Victoria's Secret store at Resorts World. haha!

thank you cuzzs

Ron's wedding is finally over. The stress, the disappointments, it's all in the past now. Learnt and realized alot of things from this. People have different attitudes and different ways of showing or even hiding how they feel. Just need analysing. And yea, however stressed and busy i was, i still found time to do some analysing and observing. haha.

for example, i knew that dine is experiencing lots of personal problems, but she's all normal and smiles (though not alot of them) throughout the dinner. Thank you for that, because, one night is all Ron needs. and thank you so muchie for buying the ties and doing part time DJ-ing that night! haha!

And Xin, thanks for curbing your attitude outburst at the registration table. that's why i sat down and started writing when i knew you were going to show attitude. at that point, we all know that there's a cock up already. wad we can do, is to offer all the help we can, and not start blaming people for that fault. the blaming part can come after everything is over. nevertheless, thank you very much for handling the registration so wonderfully even though it was quite messy for you to work with. :)

and finally, thanks to my little bro who was the ultimate. he was Ron's brother and he stuck to it throughout from early in the morning 8.30am till dinner. it wasn't easy. it was tiring doing the gate crashing and moving from places to places. and he had totally NO complaints nor attitude. that's why you're my bro!

you guys might be wondering why i'm thanking people when it should have been Ron's job. knowing Ron as an MCP, the chances are very low that he'll automatically do the above. thus, i'm doing it on his behalf.

before i left the dinner, i went to say good bye and he gave me a big hug and said thank you to me. i wanted to cry at that moment. lol. and Jan did the same thing too. just this alone, all the work's worth it. because they appreciated.

Ron's kid is due in 4 months. i can't wait. i hope it's a boy. i wanna be the godma. :)

the motivational talk that didn't work

Eva came to talk to me yesterday evening. And the words she used were the exact same words that I told Bryan. And there she was, saying that it’s not Bryan who told her. Wtf. I’m not farking stupid la. She used the same words twice! So coincidental? HA, HA!

Even after having that motivational talk with Eva, I’m still depressed to have to come to work. The talk didn’t work, because everything she said, was coated with honey, to make everything sound nicer. But she didn’t know that I am immune to honey. I just saw right through her.

i will take no more.

i think i have to put this down before i put it behind my mind.

last week was my company's appraisal. i've been through one appraisal before and i'm already prepared for the worst because this company only have bad things to say about you. they filter out all the good points. even if there are good points, they would always say you can be better, just a nicer way of saying: you'll never be good enough.

so, while boss was talking talking talking about those useless stuffs which i already know (punctuality etc), i was scanning through the appraisal letter. and i saw the bonus and pay increment part. my heart sank and lots of thoughts started to go through my mind, and emotions came in a big wave.

i was only awarded a few hundred (five to six hundred only) dollars for BONUS and One hundred dollars pay INCREMENT. wtf?

i'm only worth that much? after i've farking slogged for them for 2 years already? even the newbies are getting more than i am for basic!

and then i told boss, 'i've been here for 2 years already and i've NEVER asked you for any pay increment at all. not even once. because i want you to give it to me yourself, not because i requested for it', and my eyes were swelled up with tears and my voice was half choked while saying it. i guess i got too emo because i had expectations and i never expected the results to be so far off.

anyway, after saying that, it hit boss abit and he said he'll give me an increase to 7% in commission. this to me, is nothing already. the damage was already done. the disappointment hit to a high, making it difficult to give anything or anyone the benefit of doubt.

halfway through this, i realized that i really couldn't care less already. so i acted like it's all ok, with no more tears, forced smiley face and tone and walked out of his office, and into the toilet to cry everything out of my system.

no more. i will not take this kind of shit anymore. that's how the world is, unappreciative. just have to accept that. no one returns a favour out of their own good will with totally no intentions.

and how can this story not involve bryan. i went out with him for a meeting the next day and he started to talk to me about this. apparently, almost all of them knew bout the crying session the moment i walked out and eva walked in. big mouths. and still say i'm the tweety bird. they are the tweety birds themselves. tsk.

as usual, bryan was defending boss all the way and saying stuffs that made me wanna just stuff his mouth with the box of tissues, open the door and jump out of the car because i've had enough of those crap. i don't need explanations anymore because i know very well where i stand and their way of thinking. what i need, is for them to shut up and let me make my way out of there peacefully.

since i'll never be good enough for them, i guess it doesn't matter whether or not i leave. they didn't care about me in the first place (all fake shits, think i cannot decipher ar), so i shouldn't give a shit too. farking hypocrites.

Loser Post

This loser from FB msged me on Zoosk (it's a dating application i signed up for fun, to see wad kind of guys join this. :P)

Break Silance said
Ellone there was something inside ur profile which attracts me alot to write u something here

after seeing ur profile i thought how to impress u but later I realize its better just talk to u in a normal way, so Who m I!m bit serious guy...but without joke and fun can't live..;)

my friends says me that I'm so jolly and fun loving most of the time romantic not for girls but for natural beauties like water fall moutains etc..

Here in ur profile ur openly welcoming all people which is not a good way frirst of all
second u r saying ur weekness infront of world that u rso week in these areas like u got hurt or whteva....dear rhis world is evil they just wana use a person they doesn't metter wht is ur feeling towards them....they're just human eater.

my one thing must remember dear.....understanding & trust can not develop in one night or one day...it takes time..!but wht we like most ..THE ATTRaCTION..!we love it...when we like something we want to catch...grab..stole...that things from others..

just like we do for fndship...!thats y i didn't make n e fnd yet...means over here in S'pore..amazing na..ppl don't pblv it..ok finebut i knw m always like this...!more then wink i think we shd communicate with solid reason...!!& Honestly I'm here for good friends, just saying u good ppl are very hard to find. you & me also trying.

if we chat here then may be oursearch stops here..i need honesty...its up to you..my id is "imranapp(at)h o t m a i l. c o m" s u knw we can not send us no more then one mail caz we are not a premium members.;)there is no second option to send you mail from here, so hoping we will mee on m s n. u looks online..waiting for your answer & adding


My Reply:

Hi, thanks for writing the awfully long mail. here's the honesty u requested for:

firstly, u should put in a picture of yourself so pple can know how u look like. this is the first impression u need to give to someone. whether u're fat, ugly, fit or handsome, it's up to the other party to see, and each individual thinks differently. secondly, use proper english, it was really hard for me to make out what u were trying to say. and u gave a bad impression with the broken english. and lastly, i don't think the stuffs in my profile are openly welcoming people because i didn't even put in any information! wth?!

so, dun judge me and act that u know what kind of a person i am because u have totally no idea.

and wad's up with the hurt by love thing? seriously, i loathe pple who think they're hurt by love and keeps harping on it. get a life and move on! girls ain't gonna love or sympathize u just because u were hurt before. hello? do u know what era this is already?!?!?

yup. that's all. we can't be friends. btw, i'm not desperate to find friends or guys ( i have loads of them) here. it's just interesting how pple react to a pretty photo. *shrugs*

good bye.

convo with an interesting party

i came into office today thinking what another boring day this was gonna be. then suddenly, someone added me on msn. Check out my conversation with a stripper/porn actress:

Vivi says:
hey girlie!!!
vivian here
how are youLOL
finally got you on msn
did you recieve the zoukout pics i sent?

here i am says:
?!?!?!
u might have gotten the wrong person

Vivi says:
huh?
vivian here
the one that was in the yellow bikini
wait..
sorry
is this catherine?

here i am says:
haha. nope.

Vivi says:
OMG i am soooo sorry..i just realized i typed the wrong email!!
am sooo sorry
didnt mean to be rude
"laugh"

here i am says:
no prob

Vivi says:
you got a very similiar email to my friend
"laugh"

here i am says:
haha

Vivi says:
anyway so sorry once again
didnt mean to be rude
"laugh"

here i am says:
no worries

Vivi says:
do you want me to delee the contact or just leave it?
i just don;t want to be rude"smile"

here i am says:
haha
u can do wadever u want with the contact...

Vivi says:
awww ok"giggle"
i just leave it then
where you from
i am from los angeles
vivian here
pleasure to bump into you lik that"laugh"

here i am says:
lol. i'm elaine. from singapore

Vivi says:
singapore?!?!
arer you for real?
i was just there few months ago!!
i was at zouk out
you heard of it right?
you must have heard of zouk out
OMG OMG this is crazy!!"laugh"

here i am says:
haha. yea, i know zoukout...

Vivi says:
omg wow"laugh"
how is singapore?
imiss singapore
iit was my first time in singapore
and first time at zouk out of course
it was amazing
you live in a wonderful country
"smile"

here i am says:
singapore's great, cept the weather...

Vivi says:
aww but you got summer all year round
its cold over here
and i cant go to the beach
"pout"
anyway a little about myself
i am 24 this yr
1986

here i am says:
OMG

Vivi says:
vivian carper
carper is my family name

here i am says:
i'm 24 too!

Vivi says:
1986 too?
awww!

here i am says:
yea!

Vivi says:
really? thats me in the msn pic
well taken last september
i reckon i put on some weight
my bum looks bigger due to the winter "laugh"
when is your birthday? i am a february baby
so i reckon i am older
"pout"

here i am says:
hahaha. that's me in the pic too, with my bestie.

Vivi says:
i do not wish to be old

here i am says:
hmmm........ i'm february... 3rd

Vivi says:
i hate to see my skin go all saggy
3rd??!!?
what?
are you kidding me?
feb 3 1986?

here i am says:
yes

Vivi says:
.....
girlie i am feb 3rd
omg......

here i am says:
wth..

Vivi says:
are you serious

here i am says:
yup. serious-er than ever

Vivi says:
omg "faint"
first i added you by mistake
and i found out you from singapore
and now we got the same bd
omg i got to go buy powerball this weekend. i am going to hit the lotto prize"giggle"
omg "laugh"
crazy!!
so what do you do? did you enjoy zouk out?
i miss it
the beach party was good
i had a good time there
my friend introduced me to a couple of her friends from singapore
its a crazy fun bunch and i cant wait to visit again next zouk out if i have the chance

here i am says:
i didn't go to zoukout. i went to the beach party on 31 dec for countdown. that was awesome.

Vivi says:
awww you should have been at zouk out it was amazing
once i get my pics i will send them to you
i am still waiting for sme of the zouk out pics we took
so what do you do
well i was working as a stripper but i quit that 6 months ago
i was basically stripping to pay my educational fees here

here i am says:
wow. u must be really hot to be a stripper

Vivi says:
awww no i am not
its just pole dancing and all
its nothing fantastic
but i am doing films now
so its quite a different ball game
still i wish to do this for a couple of years and maybe start my own business in the future

here i am says:
ic.. i'm in the events line...

Vivi says:
events? oh so we are in the entertainment line
so to speak
"giggle"
i was at sexpo in tokyo last yr
i will be heading down this yr again as i will be performing
thats when i might pop by singapore after
if you can come to tokyo i can get you back stage passes
i be honoured to have you come watch my performance
thats if you are cool with adult films and all
i understand its different in asia
so if such films are offensive i do not wish to offen you

here i am says:
i'd love to watch ur performance. but i have a hectic workload..
i hardly get to travel

Vivi says:
aww i understand. its not a worry ai
if you like i can send you my films via msn
then if you like the film i can give you my dvd
its my honour to have you as a fan
"huggies"

here i am says:
wad format is it in?

Vivi says:
well its encrypted
but i can load the flash format for you from my company hom epage
i usualy act in orgies
mysister bella does mainly lesbian scenes
so it all depends on what you watch
you heard of la senza?
we are sponsored by them
if you want i can get you some of their lingerie
as i get a heap full every end of season
girlie?
"blush" did i scare you away due to my job ai"blush"

here i am says:
hey, haha. u didn't scare me away
i went out for a smoke with my colleagues

Vivi says:
aww i though i did
aiai i am smoking here too now

here i am says:
wad time is it over there?

Vivi says:
am just speaking to my girlie friend from singapore too
she is paranoid i am speaking to another girlie from singapore

here i am says:
haha. how come?

Vivi says:
she told me i got to be secretive about what i do
"laugh"
she said its not acceptable in singapore
its 741pm

here i am says:
hahha, yea, it's not widely accepted in singapore

Vivi says:
aiai no wonder she is paranoid
"laugh"
she did some nude pics for us too
maybe thats why

here i am says:
oO
are you lesbian?

Vivi says:
ai?HELL NO!
"laugh"
awwww why would you think i am
awww
"pout"

here i am says:
haha, cos u said ur fren did nude pics for u... hmmm

Vivi says:
nono not for me
"laugh"
as in she pose nude for money for my company
"laugh"
it was for a project